I'll begin by coming clean. I started this blog because I feel like I'm going to fall and crumble. It's my self-therapy. It is self-serving. I cannot talk to anyone about this.
To set expectations straight - I am not the best writer so I will keep it short, I hope.
Some background: I live with my two young children and their father (I'll call Mr. X). Their father and I are not in a relationship anymore and he lives in my house. He is currently unemployed.
I work a full time job and he stays home and applies for jobs and designing t-shirts. He is trying to start a business but that pretty hard when you have no capital.
I met Mr. X when I was going to graduate school. He did not have very much going for himself but we had great chemistry. It was a very strange time in my life. Plus, I have had terrible instincts with men. So, as time goes on we really get serious and end up living together.
I notice Mr. X begin to display some odd behavior such as thinking that people are following and drastic changes in mood. One such time, Mr. X and I were at a pool hall and we are having a pretty good time when out of no where he looks very upset and decides that we need to leave. This are tense on the way home. Finally, he tells me that he saw me "looking at the guys crotch". WTF!!! I did not look at anyone's crotch! What!? Seriously.
So, then the little oddities begin to peek their head. At one point Mr. X demanded to know why I drove up to the apartment from a different street than usual.
As time goes by, there are many red flags that this guy is seriously unstable but can you make a naïve young girl understand this, NO!
Now, I have a lot of understanding about these early days. Mr. X was prone to mood swings, irritability, alcohol abuse, depression. He could be triggered into a long episode of the silent treatment by things I said or did.
Mr. X is an adept manipulator. Which, I only figured out after it was too late.
He had a way of getting whatever he wanted from me. Money, favors, gifts, etc.
He had no stable income so I was always paying for everything.
I had so much trust and faith in him. I viewed him as an incredibly talented and intelligent person with so much potential. I thought, he just needs someone to believe in him and I'm going to be that somebody. Yes, I took on the roll of rescuer. No one asked me to and yes it's related to my upbringing.
I will leave it here for today. I feel much better having written this and I hope you see something that could help you understand yourself or someone else.
Thank you!
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